Spring Break
Top Five Most Overrated and Underrated Things in Sex
Over the past few months, I’ve found myself putting my name to articles that focused far too much on the trials and tribulations of relationships. So I’ve decided it is time to take a break from all that and instead pick a topic that actually requires me to remove my name from the byline.
As all juicy ideas, this one was conceived during one of my many battles with procrastination. For whatever reason, when I’m trying to avoid studying I frequently find that my mind trails to the subject of sex. Luckily, my friends seem to have the same problem and were more than happy to contribute their own insights on…the most overrated and underrated things in sex.
And that’s how this article came about. Enjoy!
ONE
Overrated: Playing with food. Now in theory the prospect of smearing chocolate syrup or whipped cream all over your partner’s body and then licking it off sounds pretty hot. But is it really? I mean think about the mess you will be making that will have to be cleaned up after the moment of passion passes. And even while you are in the moment, how much of a turn on is it, to be sticky and have brown stuff smeared all over the place? Plus, if you are overambitious with the amount of food product you use, fun can quickly turn into work. As one friend put it, “it’s not sexy when you have to lick and lick and lick.”
Tip: Steer clear of light or fat-free whipped cream. That stuff liquefies the minute it comes out of the can and will make a gigantic mess before you even have a chance to enjoy it. Your safest bet is to stick to the heavy variety, as it maintains its texture for much longer.
Underrated: Playing with toys. Now this is a far cleaner way to introduce an element of novelty into sex. Some people get a little intimidated by the prospect of bringing anything that vibrates into the bedroom, unless it’s their cell phone. While others, will argue that toys are only to be used when a real life partner is unavailable. However, combining the two can actually be very exciting and enhance the overall experience. The point is not to replace your significant other with a battery operated object, but rather to use the latter as means of helping your partner reach a higher level of arousal and then replace the toy with yourself.
Tip: Make sure to talk to your partner before busting out that 12” vibrator. It’s best to know that the two of you are on the same page about what’s okay in the bedroom. Otherwise you might be in for some major awkwardness…
Overrated: Sex in the shower. Sure it is sexy in the movies, but executing the act in real life is no easy task. Shower tiles are cold; shower tiles are hard; and shower tiles are slippery. This combination of features might not only make the sexual encounter not overly pleasant, but it might actually prove to be very dangerous. Not to mention the fact that having vertical sex in a constrained space may require more acrobatic talent than most people have. But that doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with showering, post-coitally. In fact, it is a great way to infuse even the practical, hygiene aspect of sex with an element of intimacy and affection.
Tip: If you are prone to bouts of claustrophobia or clumsiness, don’t even bother. And whatever you do, never have shower sex after you’ve lathered up – that’s one slippery disaster guaranteed to happen.
Underrated: Sex in the bed. For every person who might be averse to getting super experimental, there is always one who is looking for something new and exciting. The one that prides him- or herself on doing it on the beach, at the office, or in da club… All that is very commendable, but there is also something to be said for the comfort of your own home and your own bed. After all, it was designed for that purpose! And just because you stick to a conventional venue, doesn’t mean your options are at all limited. In fact, when you don’t have to worry about sand in the wrong places, getting caught, or being a 50 Cent groupie, you can let your imagination run wild and are more likely to get maximal enjoyment out of the experience.
Tip: If you are looking for a new twist on this old classic, try starting things off in a different room. Pick the couch or the kitchen table to get things going and slowly work your way to the bedroom.
Overrated: Porn style sex. Yes, it might get men (and some women) off and even compels them to pay good money for it. But that doesn’t mean they want all that recreated in their own bedrooms. In real life, more often than not, people don’t want to hear excessively loud moaning, use particularly obscene dirty talk, or throw their partner hard against the wall. That stuff comes off extremely exaggerated and is nowhere nearly as big of a turn on as your genuine feelings and words. So if you only react during the big “O,” that’s perfectly okay. Don’t feel like you need to fake any additional sounds beforehand – it will probably only detract from the experience for you and your partner.
Tip: Take no lessons from any movies that involve ripping a person’s clothes off in a moment of passion. It is just another superfluous expression of emotion that only ends up costing your partner time and money, which will be spent shopping for new shirts and pants.
Underrated: Softcore porn. Just because you shouldn’t act out scenes from Debbie Does Dallas, doesn’t mean that watching some softcore porn as part of foreplay is a bad idea; the kind of movies you can catch on Skinnimax and HBO. After all, they are easy to access, don’t really cost anything extra (if you have premium cable), and have just enough nudity and sexual activity to set the mood. And it doesn’t even have to be actual porn; you could just pick a sexy, mainstream movie to watch. Some suggestions would be: 9 ½ Weeks, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and Last Tango in Paris.
Tip: Check out the synopsis of the movie before you get it. Some of the ones I mentioned above also tend to be heart-rending dramas, so you might not want to watch the whole thing but just go far enough to catch some of the steamy scenes.
Tip: Overrated: Lingerie. It seems like every man is in love with the Victoria’s Secret catalog. So the natural conclusion to jump to is that spending a fortune on some lacy bras and thongs will be a huge turn on for your significant other. But has it ever occurred to you that the reason that men love the catalog is not because they dig the way the models look in the lingerie, but rather because this is the closest they can get to seeing them naked? The same thing happens when you put on some sexy, little ensemble – all your man really cares about is getting it off as soon as possible. So basically you end up paying $50 – 100 for something that ends up on the floor in 30 seconds or less.
Tip: If you do decide to stock up on some lingerie, I recommend bypassing La Perla or even Victoria’s Secret, and instead visiting an H&M. The store tends to carry a large variety of very sexy pieces at half (or in the case of La Perla, at a tenth) of the cost.
Underrated: Dress-up. Now if you feel like doing something special for your significant other, I would suggest going a route more creative than lingerie – dress up! And I’m not talking about the cocktail dress and pashmina kind; I’m talking about the Halloween kind. If your girl is into men in uniform, surprise her dressed as a firefighter or an admiral (yes, that’s right, an admiral – hey, why not aim high, since it’s all pretend!). If your guy has a schoolgirl fantasy, show up at his place wearing knee high socks, a little pleated skirt, a white blouse, and hair in pig-tails. Doing something like that might require a little more effort and imagination than dropping by Victoria’s Secret, but it is also a far more personal act than just purchasing some generic lingerie, and by the end of the night you will find yourself reaping the fruits of your labor.
Tip: Unless it is actually Halloween (or Purim!), you might want to throw a jacket over your outfit, so as not to attract unnecessary attention on the street.
Overrated: Open windows. Perhaps you have the hottest sex life in a 10 mile radius and are so proud of it that you want the whole world to know. However, chances are that the world does not really care. So really your effort to exhibit your passion is in vain. Plus, the people who actually might care are probably the ones who will tape you and post the videos on YouTube, and then you might find yourself with more exposure than you bargained for. Better play it safe and just shut those curtains, because some things ought to stay behind closed doors…and windows.
Tip: Be careful even if you are in a top floor apartment in a high-rise building. If there are other, similar-sized buildings with windows around you, people might still be able to see you and some cameras have really powerful zoom capabilities…
Underrated: Lights on. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with turning on the lights during sex. Some people insist that the lights must be off, either because they are self-conscious of how they look or because they are uncomfortable with the act, as a whole. But you shouldn’t have anything to fear. If your partner is willing to get naked with you in the first place, he/she is very much into you and nothing that he/she sees under your clothes will undo those feelings. And if you are somewhat uncomfortable by sex and all of its bells and whistles, lights on can be kind of like exposure psychotherapy. Once you do it, the discomfort will start wearing off and will allow you to maximize your enjoyment. But the most important perk of lights-on sex is that it allows you to see your partner much better, which can really enhance the intimacy of the encounter and help you and your partner connect. After all – at the risk of sounding super cheesy – the best sex is not just a physical act, but also an emotional one.
Tip: If you have full-length mirrors in the house, lights on can have an additional advantage…