Campus Connection

Break-ups tend to be pretty painful. They can be especially tough, if the feelings were strong, the break-up was not a mutual decision, and you happened to be the party who got broken up with. All of a sudden, you find yourself feeling empty, alone, miserable, sad, dejected...well, you get the point. 

You should hate the person who made you feel that way and never want to see or speak to him or her again.

And yet, how many of you can truly say that you’ve always made a clean break when ending a relationship? And even if you really did make a conscious effort to completely distance yourself from your ex, didn’t it sometimes seem like forces beyond your control were pulling you right back in?

A series of recent events have made me particularly conscious of this phenomenon, and I found myself trying to understand the seemingly counter-intuitive tendency of gravitating back to those who have hurt us or those who we have hurt.

On the one hand, I could see how going back to an old relationship could be very easy. After all, you already know the person pretty well and have established a certain comfort level that in many ways would make it quite simple to open up the lines of communication once more. But on the other hand, if you and your ex are not honest about the reasons for seeking each other out, chances are someone will end up getting hurt all over again and possibly even worse than before.

To help prevent such an unfortunate outcome, I have decided to enumerate some of the reasons why people tend to return to relationships they have ended.  

Mind-blowing sex. The unfortunate truth is that physical and emotional compatibility don’t always go hand in hand. Sometimes two people get involved with each other based on really intense attraction, only to realize that they had mistaken lust for pretty much everything else that makes a relationship last. So things end up falling apart, but the memory of the fabulous bedroom fun remains. And so, the ex-couple might find themselves in a state of sexual withdrawal and can’t help but reconnect to recreate those moments of passion, even if they know full well that the encounters will lead nowhere. But there is an unfortunate caveat of getting back together with an ex for sex: sometimes only one of the parties is after the sex and the other one has…

Hope of getting back together. This is perhaps the worst, but also one of the most common reasons for why former significant others reconnect; especially when the break-up was not a mutual decision and one of the exes continues to have strong feelings for the other. Frequently, the more attached ex will attempt to maintain friendship or sex, usually driven by the following thinking: “if I continue to spend time with him/her, he/she will realize just how great I am and what an amazing relationship we had, and will eventually want me back.” Usually, that thinking is wrong…especially if the other ex is simply interested in the mind-blowing sex. Therefore, it is imperative to analyze the situation as objectively as possible, to make sure that you will not be setting yourself up for pain and disappointment. And if you have doubts that your desire to get back together is shared by the ex, you should try really hard to cut off contact, let your feelings for the other person subside, and move on with your life (disclaimer: this is really hard, and often impossible to do). After all, time heals all, although you might need a lot more time if you have developed…

Emotional Dependence. If you are ending a long-term relationship, making a clean cut might very well be impossible. As cliché as it may sound, in that situation you are losing not just a lover but also a best friend and a support system, someone with whom you have shared your deepest hopes, dreams, fears, and desires. Thus, even if two people have come to the realization that they are no longer compatible or have issues that will preclude them from making a life together, the history will always be there. And this history makes it hard to quit each other cold turkey. For this reason, the former couple oftentimes needs to phase out of the relationship slowly, because a complete, immediate separation can be more drastic and painful than the break-up itself. However, there is a different kind of emotional dependence that has less to do with getting over someone with whom you shared everything and more to do with…

Insecurity. It would be lovely if we could all listen to those preachy messages about loving ourselves and being fulfilled by our own accomplishments, etc., etc. But we all know that there are many people out there who need constant attention and cannot fathom the idea of not having a significant other at their side at all times. They are the ones that might initiate a break-up because they think they’ve found something better or the ones who take getting broken up with the hardest, because it means that now they’ll have to fend for themselves. Unfortunately, they are also the ones who frequently try to get back together with their exes, if they are unable to secure a new partner fast enough. Such people don’t necessarily care about getting hurt all over again or hurting their former significant other. Instead, they only focus on their present need to secure a boyfriend or girlfriend to allay the discomfort created by their insecurity about being single. This isn’t a good reason to pursue an ex, but at least these people know what they want, which is far better than those who are plagued with…

Indecisiveness. Generally, this applies to people who are either uncertain about making a commitment or are too fixated on finding the perfect partner, the one that fits all the criteria on their checklist. They tend to be rather intolerant of any fault that a person might have, almost looking for a reason to break up. However, after the fact they frequently realize that perhaps they acted too quickly and find themselves questioning the decision to end the relationship.  But they are still not sure, so what do they do? They re-establish contact, but in very vague terms; that is, just enough to reel their ex back in (assuming he or she is still interested), but not enough to make it obvious that they think breaking up was a mistake. It sucks to be a part of this game, but unfortunately, if you still really care about the person, you can’t help but play along, hoping that he or she will realize that…

Love is like the ozone layer – you never miss it until it’s gone. Some people take their partners for granted. Perhaps their significant others make things too easy by being overly accommodating and available or perhaps these people are trying to recreate a former relationship with their new partner. Whatever the reason, they end up breaking up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, thinking that there must be someone better for them out there. And while sometimes that is in fact true, other times these people come to realize that they have given up a good thing. The sudden absence of the significant other puts in perspective just how much better and more fun it was to have him or her around, and so they start trying to get their ex back. This will either lead to a happily ever after for the reunited couple or, if the ex has already moved on, to regret and disappointment.

So just remember, the wisest decision is to stay away from ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends altogether. However, if you really can’t help it, just make sure that you have some sense of what your ex’s motivations might be, definitely know your own, and be prepared to risk getting hurt all over again.

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