As Alanis Would Say...Isn't It Ironic?
Christina Boyd
Life is chock full of ironic moments and no one can escape the inevitable clutches of embarrassment that these moments tend to facilitate. Some result from a cruel twist of fate beyond your control, while others are simply the product of total stupidity. Either way, sooner or later, the irony of life is bound to catch up with you, if it hasn’t already...
Example 1: You will never under any circumstance see that hot neighbor at the grocery store when you’re buying pasta, green peppers, and tomatoes. But you will most certainly run into him carrying tampons, toilet paper, and possibly some sort of diarrhea medication. That’s life and there is no escaping it. All you can do is hope that you can quickly find some sort of food product to throw on top of your basket and hide the unmentionables…a bag of pretzels, perhaps.
Example 2: Fate’s cruel sense of humor is especially important to remember when embarking on “sensitive” missions. When going with a friend to provide moral support while she purchases a pregnancy test you will inevitably run into her clueless significant other. No matter how strategically you plan the expedition, he will stumble upon you. As the accompanying friend you will be forced to take the test and provide a cover story, forever getting dubbed as “the girl who thought she was pregnant”. If only he knew…
Example 3: Crosswalk paint. I know I am not the only person who has learned the hard way that crosswalk paint is slippery when wet. I mean, the crosswalk is supposed to be your safe zone as a pedestrian, protecting you from the onslaught of hurried city drivers. However, add a little rain to the mix, and the crosswalk lines become more dangerous than running into the middle of I-95 blindfolded. There is nothing worse than trying to cross a busy street in rush hour only to wipe out, after doing a near split and pulling your groin. As you frantically try to get up before people decide to just run you over, you have to ask yourself: what the hell just happened? How is it that we can put a man on the moon, but we can’t make some sort of traction-control crosswalk paint?
Example 4: Aisle markers in large discount stores. After my left foot was viciously trampled by a mouse, leaving me momentarily stranded on the kitchen table, I set out to purchase enough traps to create a protective barrier around my bed. Since I was planning to buy in bulk, I headed to a large discount store and started my search using the aisle markers as my guides. First stop – home and garden. After all, the mouse was in my home and should be in the garden. Wrong. Next stop – the “do-it-yourself” section. I could have called an exterminator, but I chose to catch the beast myself. Strike two. Third try – home cleaning. I was trying to clean my home of mice. Wrong again. After almost 30 minutes of this, I finally found them… in the pet products section! I mean, do people with pet mice really set traps to kill them? Under what organization scheme does that make any sense?!
Example 5: Mass flyers. Once you venture out into the “I have my own home” world, you get bombarded with flyers for different services. While I am thrilled to know that I will always have a 20% coupon for Bed Bath & Beyond, some of the flyers make no sense. One of the more ridiculous ones I’ve gotten was from a lawn improvement company guaranteeing me a greener, weed free lawn. I live in a row home in